As cabin crew, we tell our beloved ‘guests’ everyday to make sure they take all their personal belongings with them as they leave the aircraft.
“Ladies and gentlemen, please check in the seat pockets, underneath the seats and in the overhead lockers. Any items left behind will be evenly distributed between the crew and you may end up buying your lost property back off eBay in the near future!”
However, as we all know, no matter how many announcements we make, people still manage to leave behind their prized and often expensive possessions. Occasionally, it’s not just tablets, Kindles, wallets, smartphones, books or even passports passengers forget. False legs, false teeth, underwear and used sex toys (I kid you not) are just a handful of what’s to come. Why people would even be carrying some of these items on an aircraft in the first place is beyond me?
So sit yourself down, make yourself comfortable and if you’re eating, I’d make sure you’ve finished before you read on, as we count down The Top Ten Weird and Wonderful Things Passengers Have Left Onboard.
Number 10 – Food.
Crew love it when passengers leave behind an expensive box of chocolates purchased in duty-free. But I’m not talking delicious chocolates.
One whole lobster wrapped in tin foil. Rotting fish, clearly caught weeks ago. Numerous bags of muscles/oysters. A 24 pack of raw hotdogs. Some turnip seeds. A big, fresh, green leek. A dead rabbit, which the lady came back for as she was making her sons favourite rabbit stew while she was visiting him, bless.
Why, is it always the REALLY smelly things that people leave behind that stink out the whole cabin?
Number 9 – Baggage.
Usually a dodgy fake designer number from a market seller in Asia. As some airlines charge ridiculous amounts to check in a bag, passengers will instead bring them on board as hand luggage. This gives crew the headache of trying to find space for them all and woe betide us if said trolley bag is not in the locker right above the passenger’s seat row.
We get moaned at if we ask passengers to pop a tiny little bag under their seat.
Fights erupt between grown adults when their bags get squashed or their neatly folded coat gets crushed, as the next passenger carelessly throws their case in to the locker. It’s a nightmare. Then after a few free wines and a couple of G&T’s, they forget they’ve even brought a bag with them and just stroll/stumble off.
I had five, yes five, suitcases left after a flight once, all belonging to different people.
Number 8 – Clothing.
A single flip-flop? A pair of trousers complete with belt? T-shirts, pairs of shorts and of course the usual coats and jackets.
Most random though has to be the single and very expensive Christian Louboutin shoe. How the hell can you leave behind one shoe? Surely you would notice the limp you’d inevitably have as you disembarked, one foot six inches higher than the other. The female passenger in question, a minor TV ‘star’, had been enjoying the perks of first class and was rather worse for wear as she got off the aircraft at JFK. Blissfully unaware she was missing a shoe, the crew thankfully re-united her with the designer heel before she reached the top of the air-bridge.
Number 7 – Wedding Rings.
So you’re a business man travelling away for an important meeting in Paris. You sit down in your expensive business class seat. You’re relieved to be getting away from the wife and kids for a few days. Well, she’s put on a few pounds and doesn’t put out like she used to.
Suddenly you notice a gorgeous blonde sit down next to you. You start chatting, the chatting becomes flirting. Shit, you realise you still have your wedding ring on and she’s not wearing one. It comes off and you slip it into your seat pocket. At this point your dick has taken over and as you leave the plane the ring stays behind.
Dirty bugger! Maybe the reason why your wife doesn’t put out is because you’ve piled it on yourself. And if you think you’re in with any chance with the blonde, think again. She’ll drop you as soon as you’ve carried her bags to the taxi rank.
Best of luck trying to explain this one to your long-suffering wife when you get home.
Number 6 – Underwear.
Now, whether the passengers who left the wedding rings behind, are the same dirty beggars who left their underwear, who knows? But yes both men and women’s discarded underwear have been left under seats and in seat pockets. Crotchless pants stuffed in a plastic bag. A lacy red bra in a seat-pocket. Most disturbing are the stories of soiled underwear that gets left behind. You do realise, dear passengers, that most airlines have manifests, telling us the name of the dirty beggar who was sat in that seat? We know who you are!
Number 5 – Bodily Fluids.
This one really is disgusting. A full bottle of urine in a seat pocket. Seriously? There’s a toilet, just a few feet away from where your sweaty backside is seated, available for you to use when the seatbelt sign is off. God knows what people will do if Ryanair ever did start charging to use the loo.
One trolley dolly told me they found semen, left in a sick bag in the seat pocket…..YUCK! What exactly about being sat, cramped up in a stinky old Boeing turns you on? Unless you’re a real plane geek of course. Although, quite how the crew member knew it was cum is a whole other story.
Woman’s sanitary products, USED! Once again, left in the seat-pocket between the sick bag and inflight magazine; which of course is your own personal copy to take home with you should you wish. Menstrual pad does not however, come free with every copy.
An extra-large Tena man, well used and abandoned on the floor of a lavatory.
One of my pet hates is sick, in a sick bag, tucked neatly away in the seat pocket. Why the hell can’t people hand it to the crew as they get off, or if they’re that bloody embarrassed then take it with you.
Not only are these vomit inducing and disgusting, they’re also a massive health hazard to crews who have to clean/security check the aircraft and another reason why we should ALWAYS wear gloves!
Number 4 – Sex Toys!
Dildo’s, handcuffs, rampant rabbits and anal beads. Just some of the array of sex toys that passengers have forgotten. Of course, items such as this are never going to be claimed. Who in their right mind would call an airports lost property department asking if anyone’s handed in their vibrating vagina?
Disturbingly though, some of these toys have apparently come to good use on board. Yes one of my fellow cart tarts told me of a dildo, discovered in a rear lav, covered in excrement. Clearly someone had fun on that flight! The mind boggles.
This (rather small) cock ring pictured below was found after a flight from Faro.
Stashes of porn magazines have been found over the years. A bundle of mags called ‘TV Times’ were left in an overhead locker. The trolley dollies quickly discovered TV meant transvestite, not television.
A very famous male singer once left behind his personal porn stash after a flight to the US. I’m sure the ‘Candle In The Wind’ songwriter thought this would be highly amusing but we can assure you Mr R. Dwight, it was not.
Number 3 – A Refrigerator.
An actual fridge, I kid you not. In a Sky-scanner online survey, 700 travellers were questioned regarding things they have left behind. One of the more unusual was a refrigerator. The poll also revealed that a third of items left behind are worth over £100, clearly some of our passengers have more money than sense.
Sam Poullain, Skyscanner spokesman said “Having left my iPad behind on a plane recently, I know how easy it is to do and the frustration and hassle it causes, although it could have been a more awkward conversation with the airline had I lost one of the more embarrassing items our survey revealed”.
Number 2 – False Body Parts.
From false arms, legs and teeth to wigs and weaves of all colours and lengths. Various body parts have been discovered once our passengers have left us.
My most shocking was a false leg, left after a domestic flight some years ago. Not sure how the hell they managed to walk off the aircraft, but to be honest I didn’t even know anyone on board had a false leg. The last passenger had disembarked and I went off to do my security checks. There, sat in the locker was a false leg, complete with trainer on the false foot. I was speechless. I’d not been in the airline very long and took said leg off to the purser to see what we were meant to do. Unfortunately she didn’t have a lost property bag big enough! It was handed to the ground crew and to this day I still don’t know whether anyone claimed it.
False teeth regularly get lost by their careless owners, either left behind in the toilet or discarded on the meal tray, meaning a painstaking search through 200 odd mucky used trays to try to find it. One crew member told me that comedian Ken Dodd, once left his false gnashers behind after flight to Berlin.
Also, breast implants, yep you heard me right – a pair of breast implants; found stuffed in a plastic bag left underneath the seat.
Number 1 – Children!
Oh yes, coming in at number one as the craziest and most random thing people have left onboard an aircraft is their children. Now I’m no Mary Poppins, but if I was ever blessed to have children of my own, I’d take a bit more care of them than some of our passengers.
One couple forgot their sleeping child before they’d even boarded, leaving him fast asleep under the seats of the departure lounge. It was only when the crew came to complete a head count and couldn’t understand why they were an infant down that the parents realised and dashed back up to the terminal.
In another case of child neglect, a purser had just said farewell to the last of the passengers and went off to do her security checks. As she made her way towards the rear galley to get some gloves something caught her eye in one of the seat rows. Lying there, fast asleep, was a young girl. Stunned as to how her parents could have forgotten their own child she gently woke the sleeping girl. The crew recognised her and knew who she’d been flying with. An odd American couple had been sat in the front row, while the little girl and her brother were stuck in the row behind.
Realising that her family were nowhere to be seen the girl began to cry, hysterically. The crew member calmed her down and told her that she would quickly reunite her with her mommy and daddy. Unfortunately, mommy and daddy had already gone through passport control and had just collected their luggage, when a disgusted airline rep grabbed them and asked if they had forgotten anything. It was only then they realised their daughter was missing. Unbelievably, the purser told me that the parents actually tried to blame the crew for failing to notice her straight away.
A former airport dispatcher told me the story of a Wizz Air flight which had just landed from Katowice. Once the guests had disembarked the crew began cleaning and security checking the aircraft when suddenly, one of the girls let out a massive scream. Fast asleep in an overhead locker was a young baby. Moments later the new and very distraught mother, frantically returned to the aircraft. Once the seat belt sign had gone off she had leapt up and began getting all her shit together. While she was doing this, she had placed the sleeping child into the overhead locker. When she reached passport control it dawned on her that something was missing and she raced back to the plane where they were reunited before the baby had even woke up.
So ladies and gentleman as you disembark the aircraft after your next flight, please, please ensure you take everything with you. We don’t want to find any nasty surprises left behind. Therefore please do not leave children or spouses.
A massive thank you to all my Dollies, who contributed to this post. Reading all your comments and stories was so much fun!
© confessionsofatrolleydolly.com by Dan Air.