To be a good flight attendant, you also have to be a very good liar. It’s one of the unwritten requirements of the job. We lie to passengers from the moment they step onto the aircraft. “We’d like to warmly welcome you onboard!”, we don’t. “If you need any assistance, please ask a member of crew”, please don’t. “We hope you enjoyed your flight?”, we’re not really bothered either way, as long as you won’t be writing in and getting us tea, no biscuits with management.
No matter how crap a day we’re having, how much abuse we’re getting from our passengers, how much shit we’ve got going on at home, how unwell we feel, or how much we really don’t want to be stuck in that metal tube at 35,000 feet we will continue to follow the ancient cabin crew mantra of ‘Teeth and Tits’ and smile through our pain and frustrations.
Here we count down the Top Ten lies your cabin crew WILL tell you whilst you’re onboard our aircraft. See how many you’ve already been told or have said yourself.
10) “I’ll come back with more information as soon as I have some”
Which will be sometime never. If it’s a technical issue, do I look like a mechanic? Not in this outfit darling. If it’s a weather related delay, well no I can’t work miracles and make the fog disappear, or make the snow melt. To be fair, your over-worked and under-paid flight attendant’s are always the last people to know anyway so there’s really not much point asking us.
9) “There’s no need to worry, our aircraft are perfectly safe!”
If you ignore the gaffer tape on the wing, the broken overhead lockers, the faulty toilet, the sink in the galley that keeps over flowing, the dodgy air conditioning units above row 31 and don’t even get me started on the broken seal around door 2L. Please don’t be alarmed when you discover that this aircraft is almost as old as Cher and has done more miles than the space shuttle. Our engineers are not only excellent with their tool boxes, they can also work miracles. As cabin crew queen Pam Ann once said “We don’t make the same mistake more than 3 times, maybe 4?”.
8)“This is perfectly normal”
We have to tell you that. If it’s a strange noise, we may have never of heard it before. If it’s a funny smell, we might never have smelt it before. And if it’s really bad turbulence, it’s probably the worst we’ve ever experienced too. But no matter how scared we are, our perfect, pearly white smile NEVER wavers. Teeth and tits!
7) “We don’t have any of that left”
Well, first off all it depends what you’re asking me for. We may have still have it, but it will be on the other trolley or all the way back in the galley locked in a canister. So unless you get me in a VERY good mood, which doesn’t happen very often, I won’t be going to check for you. It’s probably best if you just pick something else.
6) “That’s not a problem”
It will be a problem. Whatever you’ve asked to warrant this response means that you will have taken me away from doing something else; probably going for a well-earned rest after waiting hand and foot on you for the last few hours. I’ll be smiling through gritted teeth and counting to ten!
5) “I’ll put that on my flight report”
Well it really depends on what you’re wanting me to write down. If you’re complaining at me and it’s something i’m unable to change, i’ll nod understandingly whilst I listen to your story. Then i’ll tell you that i’ll write everything down so the powers that be can look in to it. If I feel sorry for you I may put down a few words, but don’t expect war and peace.
4) “Thank you for flying with us today”
Yea, yea, you pay our wages. If it wasn’t for you our dear passengers chosing to fly with us, we’d be out of a job – blah, blah. We’ve heard it all before. Truth is, we’d much prefer it if some of you just stayed at home.
3) “I LOVE my job!”
Don’t get me wrong it has it’s perks and there’s certainly worst jobs. But if you ask me that question after i’ve done a month of endless short-haul sectors, NO. When you’re asking me after a 14 hour flight and i’m hungover from the party we had in the crew hotel last night and i’m back on another trip in 48 hours, NO. When i’ve had to deal with drunken passengers, screaming kids, horrible flight deck and the number five crew member is giving me daggers because I kissed the hot new first officer at said party, NO. But ask me when I’m lay on a beach, sipping a cocktail on a three-day layover in the Caribbean, then yes, I LOVE my job!
2) “I’m fine!”
We’re probably not. We may have been called out for this flight with just 90 minutes notice. Some idiot has just had a go at me in business, all because I accidentally knocked into him with the trolley and the purser’s took his side. I’m probably on minimum rest from my last duty, just 12 hours ago and I haven’t had anything to eat since I reported hours earlier. On top of all of that I’m full of flu because working in recycled air, for 12+ hours a day and coming into contact with hundreds of different people every day, means you pick up every horrible bug going. My airlines sickness policy means I’m too scared to go off sick, so I’ll come into work regardless and make myself worse. Teeth and tits everybody, teeth and tits!
And at #1 of our Top 10 Cabin Crew Lies…..
Normally we’re not. Fact of the matter is, whatever it is we’re apologising for, it probably isn’t our fault. So why should we apologise for it in the first place? But we do, as it shuts you up. It makes you think that you have won and makes our life that little bit easier. Yes, I’m sorry for the crap weather that has delayed your flight. I’m sorry for the French ATC and those bloody Spanish baggage handlers who have once again decided to go on strike. I apologise that we have run out of Chicken, I know, it’s all my fault and I really should have made sure there was more loaded onboard. I can’t apologise enough that Heathrow can’t handle more than an inch of snow. I’m sorry for the exploding volcano in Iceland and please accept my sincerest apologies for the buggered engine on this state-of-the-art jet; but believe me I would much rather it be broken here than at 37,000 feet.
On behalf of us all we REALLY hope you’ve enjoyed your flight and thank you for choosing to fly with Confessions Of A Trolley Dolly.
DISCLAMIER please note ladies and gentleman, for those of you without a sense of humour, that this post is intended as a tongue-in-cheek look at flight attendant life. We do love our jobs (most of the time) and we do love our passengers (most of the time). Please do not take offence at any of the lies written here.
© confessionsofatrolleydolly.com by Dan Air.