In this section, we will guide you through your inflight announcements (PAs), from boarding PA’s to arrival PA’s.
Have a read through and feel free to take away some of the less risqué ones to use on board yourself.
Also, if there’s any of your own you’d like to add please pop them in the comments section below. Enjoy!
Boarding/Welcome On board:
“Ladies and gentlemen, it’s great that you can now use your small, hand-held devices through all stages of the flight, provided of course that they are in flight safe mode. However, please resist the urge to update your Facebook or Twitter status until the cabin crew have finished showing you the safety features on this aircraft. Thank you”
“Your Royal Highness, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome on board this flight to…..” – of course there was no actual royalty on board, but it put everyone in a good mood and made the passengers imagination run wild!
“Welcome on board this spaceship to London Heathrow”
“Ladies and gentlemen, your crew today consist of a Nutter (Captain), a Whalley (F/O), two Pratts (Crew) and a Dick (crew)” – These were the real usernames of the crew on a flight I was a passenger on a few years ago.
“Ladies and gentlemen, hold on tight because this birds about to take flight. Have no wims and have no woes, cuz it’s too late now the doors are closed. Now please take note of the cabin crews safety demonstration just in case this flight tunrs in to a cruise”
“Flight Attendants arm doors and cross-legs/crotch-check/cock-check”
“Rear doors are armed and cock-checked/crotch-checked/cross-legged”
Safety Demonstration/Before take-off:
Before take off on a flight between London and Amsterdam the flight was about a third full and the the FA said “If everybody could please move to a window seat, that way our competitors will think we have a full flight.”
“To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull it tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate it, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised”
“Ladies and gentlemen you are all welcome aboard this spacecraft. Once on board make yourselves comfortable while the cabin crew perform the safety demonstration, as this is for your safety and mostly important for the crew! There are 8 emergency exits as it follows: 5 for the cabin crew, 2 for the pilots, plus 1 for the rest who really paid attention during this demonstration! I wish you all a pleasant deat…..aaaah I mean flight!”
“There are fifty ways to leave your lover……. but only six ways to leave this plane”
“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will deploy from the panel above you. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two or more children, decide now which one you love most”
“And for those of you worrying if you will be seen, please be advised that each and every life vest comes with its own water activated disco light so all those rescuers and predators can find you so much quicker”
“Your life-jacket comes equipped with a complimentary reading light, should you wish to read a book after ditching. It also has a whistle to attract the attention of any passing seamen”
“In the event of a ditching your seat cushion doubles as a flotation device. But I admit if we’re crash landing in the middle of the Atlantic your seat cushions gonna double as a toilet.”
“The smoking section on board this aircraft can be located on each wing. If you can light it, you can smoke it!”
“Ladies and gentlemen, the cabin lights will shortly be dimmed for our departure, this is to improve the appearance of your flight attendants”
“Ladies and gentlemen, we will shortly be dimming the cabin lights for take off and once again for landing. If you wish to and are able to read, or you are afraid of the dark, a reading light can be found in the panel above you”
“Now let’s make like Tom…..and CRUISE!”
“Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please, we have a passenger traveling today who has a severe nut allergy. Can I ask you kindly to refrain from getting your nuts out on this flight, many thanks.”
PA made, instead of a phone call – “Hurry up and feed these idiots so we can go to sleep!” AWKWARD!
“Ladies and gentlemen, the cabin crew will shortly be passing through the cabin……….” – and then do just that, pass straight through the cabin to the rear galley without making eye contact with a single passenger.
“Ladies and gentlemen, please be patient with your cabin crew while they carry out the inflight service. Even toilets can only serve one arse-hole at a time”
Onboard one of the no-frills carriers – “Ladies and gentlemen, we will shortly be passing through the cabin with our drinks and snacks service……unfortunately we have no hot water for tea and coffee. We cannot provide ice for your cold drinks as it’s all melted and we have no hot or cold sandwiches. But if you would like a luke warm hot drink or a luke warm soft-drink, some chocolate or crisps, then please stop us as we pass through the cabin……Oh and we have a passenger with a severe nut allergy, therefore we will be unable to serve any nuts from the bar and please refrain from eating your own nuts. Have a VERY pleasant flight”
“Ladies and gentlemen, cocktail prices may vary according to passenger attitude”
During a charter flight from Mombasa “Ladies and gentlemen the inflight movie today is ‘Cool Running’, starring………..who the hell is it starring?”, as she tries, unsuccessfully, to cover the PA and ask a fellow crew member. “Two black fellas and fat fuck”, comes the reply, still audible over the PA. “That’s it, two black fellas and a fat fuck!”. Thankfully, the plane was filled with passengers that had a sense of humour and weren’t easily offended.
“Ladies and gentlemen, due to the constricted space in the aircraft, can you please put your shoes back on for the remainder of the flight, our loads of sick bags are running low. Thank you”
“The cabin crew will shortly be passing through the cabin with the do me free service”
“For those of you that have not yet discovered the bins located in our washroom, these can be found either directly left or right of the sink. Any other gap is NOT the correct place to stuff your paper towels or nappies or anything else!”
After a passenger had visited the rear Lav and left a very nasty “package” – “Could the gentleman who’s just dropped his kidney in the rear toilet please come and collect it. Thank you”
“Would the passenger who gave me crabs in Melbourne, please ring the call bell in the panel above you” – To find the passenger whose shellfish was being kept chilled in the ice drawer.
Middle of the night, during a late flight, lights dimmed – “I see dead people”, whispered over the PA.
“Ladies and gentlemen, those of you on the right side of the aeroplane can see the Golden Gate Bridge. Those of you on the Left side of the aeroplane can see the people on the right side of the aeroplane looking at the Golden Gate Bridge”
I got a little tongue tied during the charity PA and instead of “sick and disadvantaged” children, it came out as “dick and sickadvantaged!”. I collected lots of donations that day….
“As we begin our descent, it is at this point we ask for passengers to help us clean the plane and those who remove their seatbelt and stand up before the seatbelt signs have been switched off, will be our volunteers for cleaning”
“We will shortly be landing. There should be no more walking, standing or dancing in the aisle”
Me and a stewardess had been talking about “lady” problems just before I got on the PA and asked all passengers to stow their tampons instead of laptops. So embarrassed!
In the flight deck are Captain Ronnie and Senior First Officer Ronnie. At the end of the flight, “It’s goodnight from me”, to which the First Officer replies “And it’s goodnight from him!”; to which they both in unison say “Goodnight!”. Perfect comedy timing imitating the fabulous Two Ronnies.
“Ladies and gentlemen, a very ‘warm’ welcome to the UK, the land that summer forgot”
After a rather loud and bump bumpy landing into the city that never sleeps, “Now THAT is how you enter New York, with a BANG. Ladies and gentleman, welcome to NYC”
“Ladies and gentlemen, as you already know, we have just hit (Insert destination)”
“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Newcastle. If you’d like to put your white socks on and wind your watches back 30 years. We hope you enjoyed your flight”
“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Isle Of Man where the local time……..is 1975”
“Welcome to (Destination), we hope you enjoyed your flight and thank you for flying with (Insert your airline name). If you didn’t enjoy your flight, thank you for flying with (Insert your rival airline name)”
“Please remain seated until the aeroplane comes to a complete stop. I want to warn you, pilots fly much better than they drive”
“Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to London where we have arrived 20 minutes early. So next time we arrive 20 minutes late let’s call it even.”
“Please remain seated, until Captain Kangaroo has finished bouncing us all the way to the gate and the aircraft come to a complete stop”
“Ladies and gentlemen, when leaving us today please ensure you check the seat pockets and under floor area. If you leave anything on board once you have left us today, please refer to eBay to help you locate the item”
“As you exit the plane, make sure you gather all your belongings. Anything left behind will be evenly distributed among the crew. Please do not leave children or spouses”
“Please be careful when opening the overhead knockers”
After being parked on a stand with a jet-bridge, “Ladies and gentleman we have come on a finger!” One mortified crew member.
“We hope you enjoyed your short shite with us today”
“It has been an absolute pressure having you on board and we do look forward to seeing you again soon”
“Last one off the plane cleans it!”
For more of our Confessions of a Trolley Dolly Crew Manual, click here!
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