In this section, we will guide you through your inflight announcements (PAs), from boarding PA’s to arrival PA’s.
Have a read through and feel free to take away some of the less risqué ones to use onboard yourself.
Also, if there’s any of your own you’d like to add please pop them in the comments section below. Enjoy!
“Ladies and gentlemen, please be advised that we operate a very strict NO policy onboard all of our flights”
“Ladies and gentlemen, the use of blacktooth and blueberry devices are not permitted onboard”
“Ladies and gentlemen, it’s great that you can now use your small, hand-held devices through all stages of the flight, provided of course that they are in flight safe mode. However, please resist the urge to update your Facebook or Twitter status until the cabin crew have finished showing you the safety features onboard this aircraft. Thank you”
“Your Royal Highness, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome onboard this flight to…..” There was no royalty onboard, but it put everyone in a good mood and made the passengers imagination run wild!
“Welcome onboard this spaceship to London Heathrow”
“My minions onboard who will be helping me today are…..”
“Ladies and gentlemen, your crew today consist of a Nutter (Captain), a Whalley (F/O), two Pratts (Crew) and a Dick (crew)”. These were the real names of the crew onboard a flight.
“Ladies and gentlemen, hold on tight because this birds about to take flight. Have no wims and have no woes, cuz it’s too late now the doors are closed. Now please take note of the cabin crews safety demonstration just in case this flight tunrs in to a cruise”
“We wish you a present fright”
“Flight Attendants arm doors and cross-legs/crotch-check/cock-check”
“Rear doors are armed and cock-checked/crotch-checked/cross-legged”
Safety Demonstration/Before take-off:
“To operate your seat-belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull it tight. It works just like every other seat-belt and if you don’t know how to operate it, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised”
“There are fifty ways to leave your lover……. but only six ways to leave this plane”
“This aircraft is fitted with floor level sex signs”
“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will deploy from the panel above you. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two or more children, decide now which one you love most”
“In the unlikely event of a ditching……we will be handing out babies for the lifecots”
“In the event that our flight becomes a cruise, your seat cushion can also be used as a flotation device, please take them with our compliments”
“And for those of you worrying if you will be seen, please be advised that each and every life vest comes with its own water activated disco light so all those rescuers and predators can find you that much quicker”
“Please do not inflate your life-jacket until you are outside the terminal building”
“Your life-jacket comes equipped with a complimentary reading light, should you wish to read a book after ditching. It also has a whistle to attract the attention of any passing seamen”
“The smoking section onboard this aircraft can be located on each wing. If you can light it, you can smoke it!”
“Ladies and gentlemen, the cabin lights will shortly be dimmed for our departure, this is to improve the appearance of your flight attendants”
“Ladies and gentlemen, we will shortly be dimming the cabin lights for take off and once again for landing. If you wish to and are able to read, or you are afraid of the dark, a reading light can be found in the panel above you”
“Now let’s make like Tom…..and CRUISE!”
PA made, instead of a phone call, “Hurry up and feed these idiots so we can go to sleep!” AWKWARD!
“Ladies and gentlemen the cabin crew will shortly be passing through the cabin handing out free head-sex for you to enjoy the inflight entertainment”
“Ladies and gentlemen, the cabin crew will shortly be passing through the cabin……….” and then do just that, pass straight through the cabin to the rear galley without making eye contact with a single passenger.
“Ladies and gentlemen, please be patient with your cabin crew while they carry out the inflight service. Even toilets can only serve one arse-hole at a time”
Onboard one of the no-frills carriers “Ladies and gentlemen, we will shortly be passing through the cabin with our drinks and snacks service……unfortunately we have no hot water for tea and coffee. We cannot provide ice for your cold drinks as it’s all melted and we have no hot or cold sandwiches. But if you would like a luke warm hot drink or a luke warm soft-drink, some chocolate or crisps, then please stop us as we pass through the cabin……Oh and we have a passenger with a severe nut allergy, therefore we will be unable to serve any nuts from the bar and please refrain from eating your own nuts. Have a VERY pleasant flight”
“Ladies and gentlemen, cocktail prices may vary according to passenger attitude”
During a charter flight from Mombasa “Ladies and gentlemen the inflight movie today is ‘Cool Running’, starring………..who the hell is it starring?”, as she tries, unsuccessfully, to cover the PA and ask a fellow crew member. “Two black fellas and fat fuck”, comes the reply, still audible over the PA. “Two black fellas and a fat fuck!”. Thankfully, the plane was filled with passengers that had a sense of humour and weren’t easily offended.
“Ladies and gentlemen, due to the constricted space in the aircraft, can you please put your shoes back on for the remainder of the flight, our loads of sick bags are running low. Thank you”
“The cabin crew will shortly be passing through the cabin with the do me free service”
“Ladies and gentlemen, unfortunately there will be no meal service between the legs of this flight……..”
“For those of you that have not yet discovered the bins located in our washroom, these can be found either directly left or right of the sink. Any other gap is NOT the correct place to stuff your paper towels or nappies or anything else!”
After a passenger had visited the rear Lav and left a very nasty package, “Could the gentleman who’s just dropped his kidney in the rear toilet please come and collect it. Thank you”
“Would the passenger who gave me crabs in Melbourne, please ring the call bell in the panel above you”. To find the passenger whose shellfish was being kept chilled in the ice drawer.
A passenger asks a crew member, to ask the Captain to be more vocal and detailed in his PAs and to tell them where they were; to which the quick thinking Captain replied over the PA, “Half-way!”.
“Ladies and gentlemen, those of you on the right side of the aircraft have a great view of the River Gism, or Gasm as it’s more commonly known”
Middle of the night, during a late flight, lights dimmed, “I see dead people”, whispered over the PA.
“As we begin our descent, it is at this point we ask for passengers to help us clean the plane and those who remove their seat-belt and stand up before the seat-belt signs have been switched off, will be our volunteers for cleaning”
“We will shortly be landing. There should be no more walking, standing or dancing in the aisle”
“The captain has now switched on the seat belts signs in preparation for landing, so we ask you return to your original shit”
In the flight deck are Captain Ronnie and Senior First Officer Ronnie. At the end of the flight, “It’s goodnight from me”, to which the First Officer replies “And it’s goodnight from him!”; to which they both in unison say “Goodnight!”. Perfect comedy timing imitating the fabulous Two Ronnies.
“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to (Insert destination). Once the tire smoke has cleared, the warning bells have been silenced and we have gathered all the pieces of the aircraft , we will taxi you to the gate, please remain seated”
“Ladies and gentlemen, a very ‘warm’ welcome to the UK, the land that summer forgot”
After a rather loud and bump bumpy landing into the city that never sleeps, “Now THAT is how you enter New York, with a BANG. Ladies and gentleman, welcome to NYC”
“Ladies and gentlemen, as you already know, we have just hit (Insert destination)”
“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the centre of the earth, somewhere near (Insert destination)”
“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Newcastle. If you’d like to put your white socks on and wind your watches back 30 years. We hope you enjoyed your flight”
“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Isle Of Man where the local time……..is 1975”
“Welcome to (Destination), we hope you enjoyed your flight and thank you for flying with (Insert your airline name). If you didn’t enjoy your flight, thank you for flying with (Insert your rival airline name)”
“Please remain seated until the captain comes to a complete stop. I want to warn you, pilots fly much better than they drive”
“Please remain seated, until Captain Kangaroo has finished bouncing us all the way to the gate and the aircraft come to a complete stop”
“Ladies and gentlemen, when leaving us today please ensure you check the seat pockets and under floor area. If you leave anything onboard once you have left us today, please refer to eBay to help you locate the item”
“As you exit the plane, make sure you gather all your belongings. Anything left behind will be evenly distributed among the crew. Please do not leave children or spouses”
“Please be careful when opening the overhead lockers, as your Krispy Kremes and chain saws may have moved during landing”
“Please be careful when opening the overhead knockers”
After being parked on a stand with a jet-bridge, “Ladies and gentleman we have come on a finger!” One mortified crew member.
“We hope you enjoyed your short shite with us today”
“It has been an absolute pressure having you onboard and we do look forward to seeing you again soon”
“Last one off the plane cleans it!”
For more of our Confessions of a Trolley Dolly Crew Manual, check out ‘Aviation and Cabin Crew Jargon Explained’
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