For those in the aviation industry, there is an age-old saying, a verbal pact between crew that is older than some American Airlines flight attendants.
‘What happens onboard, stays onboard and what happens down-route, stays down-route’.
Here, some of my fellow cart tarts and I have broken this pact to reveal some of our deepest, darkest secrets with our very own Confessions, of a Trolley Dolly.
The following confessions, of trolley dollies, are all true…..
Each day, cabin crew come in to contact with many different people from all walks of life. Some are lovely, a joy to have onboard. Others can be a total nightmare. It’s true when we say that passengers can make or break our day. Just remember ladies and gentleman you should never piss off your crew. Push us too far and we have subtle ways of getting our revenge.
“Whilst doing my security checks after a short-haul flight in Europe I discovered the passport of a particularly difficult (and that’s being polite) passenger who had verbally abused my crew and I for the whole flight. His passport ended up in the bin”
“On our Lockheed L1011 Tristar’s, business class was spread over 2 cabins. If it wasn’t full before boarding we used to turn off all the lights in the smaller cabin and tell passengers that the lights were broken. They would then be moved in to the other cabin and we would have our luxurious crew rest area”
“I was using my tongs to place ice cubes in a cup and some flung out, landing on another passengers groin. He was fast asleep, until they started melting onto his beige coloured pants. Most embarrassing career moment ever”
“I didn’t like a passenger very much. He’d been rude from the moment he boarded. So, I switched his inflight entertainment off every 10 minutes until we landed. And what a shame…it was a full flight with no spare seats”
“We us to play ‘Hide the fruit’ on our over-night flights. Place said piece of fruit onto the lap of an unsuspecting sleeping passenger. The crew member who discovered the lap fruit would then get out of the next service”
“I called a passenger a bitch as she walked down the aisle, after literally throwing her carry on bag at me, because I was offloading it for being way too big to fit in the overhead locker. She stopped in the aisle, turned and said ‘I heard that’ expecting me to apologise. Instead I simply replied ‘GOOD’ and continued to greet the next passengers with a big, over exaggerated smile on my face”
“I told a passenger ‘I don’t get paid enough to take this shit from you’ Seemed to do the trick”
“One passenger couldn’t figure out how to open the lav door. So I told him you have to swipe your passport in front of the handle to make it open. He stood there waving his passport in front of the door for a while until I eventually I told him they must have loaded the British passport toilets this time by accident. He was starting to look a little desperate at this point so I said that I would have to open it for him”
“I once told an obnoxious, hung over pig that he’d be able to handle his hangover better during the turbulence we were experiencing, if he went and sat at the back of the aircraft rather than remaining in his seat at the front! (Turbulence is more prominent the further back you sit). I explained that he would be closer to the lavatories. Needless to say he had plenty of sick bags and I had a great giggle watching him be thrown around and turn green while the seat belt sign was on”
“Ibiza flights from the UK are particularly difficult for cabin crew. As revenge I once told a stag party on a night Ibiza that we were not allowed to serve alcohol after midnight in French airspace due to licensing laws. With disappointed looks on their faces they immediately sat back down”
“I once had a VERY persistent guy who kept trying to get my phone number. Instead he ended up with one of the male crew members and had already text by the time we arrived at our hotel. Funniest conversation ever as we wound the unsuspecting and rather creepy gent up”
“I played ‘Russian Roulette’ with a group of verbally abusive w*nkers on a flight. ‘Russian Roulette’ is when you have say, 6 beer cans for a group like the one I had. I shook one of the cans violently in the galley, took them out to the group and waited to see who got ‘shot’ AKA covered in beer!”
“I once hid a banana in a passengers carry on while he was asleep, after he had been continuously vile to the crew all flight. The fruit dog at Dallas Fort Worth got him at customs, just as we all walked through. We gave him a polite wave as the confused gent tried in vain to say that he didn’t know how the offending item had got into his hand luggage”
“Once told a group of rude intoxicated men, who continually refused my polite requests to remain seated to “Sit the fuck down and let me do my job”…..Needless to say they were so shocked they finally complied!”
Children. Those little angels, we love having them onboard. I’m kidding. They can be a nightmare. Try not let your child scream through the whole flight and the aisle is not a suitable place for your spawn of satan to play. I hate it when the parents say in that ridiculous baby voice ‘Look the man/woman is going to shout at you now’. No I won’t shout at your child, i’ll shout at you. Your child, your problem.
“I had a painful kid in Premium. The parents refused to control him and told us “If you can make him sit go ahead”. So we did. We lured him to the back galley and told him there was a naughty corner right next to the door and if he carried on misbehaving the big bad storm would suck him out of the aircraft. Needless to say he sat silently for the rest of the flight”
“I hit an annoying child on the head with a spoon wrapped up in a serviette from first he went back told his mum she came up an said “Have you just hit my son on the head with a spoon?”. “No madam of course not”, I replied “I hit him with this…..” and showed her the empty serviette!”
“I was deadheading on a live flight. I was sitting on an aisle seat. This kid kept running up and down the aisle, so I just happened to stick out my foot at just the right moment and he went flying. He got up and went back to his seat and remained there for the rest of the flight much to the relief of those sat round”
When it comes to meal time just remember, ‘never bite the hand that feeds you’ especially onboard an aircraft. Piss us off and we might just pop a few eye drops in to your chicken or beef, meaning you spend the rest of your dream holiday on the hotel toilet.
“I lost about half a cart of meals on my training flight as I was so eager to get on with service. I opened the latch way to early during the climb and despite trying with all my strength to try to keep the door firmly shut, I couldn’t. They flew out one after the other at such speed and landed in a huge heap on the floor. I just wanted to die. I quickly scooped it all back up in to the foil tins and popped them back in the oven. No one died, although there may have been a few dodgy tummies!”
“After a rather large passenger kept complaining about the amount of food we served and that it wouldn’t feed a rabbit and moaning about practically everything…..I got 3 bread rolls out the bin & served them to him! I even got a personal thank you….if only he knew!!!”
“I frequently tell passengers on early morning flights that sadly due to catering issues we don’t have any bacon rolls. We do of course. Six, just enough for the crew to have one each”
“Serving meals on a busy charter flight with minimum crew when a passenger asked ‘what’s the choice?’ To which I promptly replied ‘take it or leave it!”
“Turbulence hit just as I took the First Class roast beef fillet out of the oven. Hear that economy? An actual roast beef fillet! It all happened in slow motion, spinning round in the air and landed on the galley floor. As it was the only one we had, I rinsed it off and put it in the oven on high for 5 minutes. Best part was the Chief Flight attendant came back after meal service and told me everyone said it was the best beef they’d ever had”
“A very rude and demanding guy in premium had a few ‘additions’ to his meal. He didn’t notice, but I took great pleasure in watching him eat it”
“I was verbally abused by a passenger on a Barcelona flight for doing the PA in Castilliano rather than Catalunyan. Unfortunately the pax’s ham fell out of his roll onto the galley floor and got trodden on. Somehow his bread roll then ended up under my armpit, while my colleague in the galley unfortunately sneezed on to the ham”
“Whilst serving sandwiches!! A few strands of cress landed on the head of a poor bald passenger. Every time my fellow crew member passed the man we just cracked up!!!”
Our flights can be long and arduous and as crew, we all have our own coping mechanisms to make the time locked in that metal tube a little more bearable. For more of onboard confessions check out our ‘What happens in the galley, stays in the galley’
“I once heard of a hostie that got fired for flicking a condom from the upper deck on a 747 which happened to hit the ceiling and land on a passengers lap by the stairs in cattle class”
“As a senior crew member, I was once plucking my eyebrows in the forward toilet cubicle. I didn’t realise how low the aircraft was and i’d almost finished when we actually landed. I head butted the mirror on impact before subtly returning to my seat, all nonchalant, with bright red brow bones and a red forehead OUCH!”
“The airline I worked for encouraged the crew to face their passengers when making PAs rather than hide in the galley. So there I was, the senior cabin crew member, stood at the front of a full A321, busy delivering the ‘welcome on board’ PA when all of a sudden the loudest, dirtiest burp you’ve ever heard came out of my mouth! It just happened without warning. I wanted to die. I quickly apologised and managed to finish the announcement whilst dying of embarrassment. I hid for the remainder of the flight and made the other crew members deliver the rest of the PAs”
“I once fell out of a McDonnell Douglas DC-9 while on the ground. I had to run around to the jetty to get back onboard. Thankfully no one noticed”
“Best memories – making cheese fondue from the brie in first class. And using up left over champagne to do lemon – sugar and champagne hand scrubs. Awesome!”
“In the days before digital cameras, if I ever found an old style film camera I would go into the toilet and take a picture of my…..(Insert body part here)”
“I accidentally threw away some scraps which were lying on the tray table, thinking it was rubbish. Suddenly the passenger ran into the galley screaming “My medicine, my medicine”. Turns out he was the Whitesnake’s lead singer!!”
“I get gas. I mean some stinky, smelly gas. When I feel it coming on, I stand next to a sleeping pax, let it go and walk away. The looks of revulsion on the other pax faces when they glare at the innocent sleeping pax. Or, if I don’t like the pilots, I stand in front of the flight deck door during the flight and stink them out”
“I accidentally locked Princess Margaret in the toilet with my arse, trying to get the crash axe off the back of the flight deck door”
As cabin crew, we spend a lot of time with our cabin and flight deck colleagues, in confined spaces and for long periods away from home. You have to be a people person to do this job and your colleagues often become life long friends.
“We always raided the drinks trolley on a stop over and get extremely drunk in the process. To make the flight home the next day bearable we would use the portable oxygen to recover!”
“I was once working with a rather homophobic captain who refused to speak to me at all. Unless it was to demand a green tea with lemon. I’m not going to say I licked every piece of lemon that went into his cups of tea. But it sure tasted like sweet revenge. After all, what kind of hostie would I be if I didn’t taste test before serving?”
“I loved sitting in the tail for a coffee and fag when the seatbelt signs were on”
“We once ate all the flight deck sandwiches and told them they had fallen on the floor!”
“A rather handsome pilot had recently transferred from another base. Little did I know that he too was gay and apparently fancied the pants off me. I went up to take the boys in a drink and the new first officer had to go to the toilet. Seconds after leaving the flight deck the captain had his c*ck out and was grabbing at my trousers. Needless to say I didn’t need much persuasion and before long we were at it like rabbits. We didn’t have long before the first officer came back and I left the cockpit looking rather flushed and pleased with myself. We finished off what we had started as soon as we arrived at the hotel”
“My fellow crew and I would make turns taking naps in the lav”
“A friend at a well-known long haul airline ‘eye dropped’ their Captain towards the end of the flight. He managed to operate the flight ok but upon arriving at the hotel for the night, he couldn’t move from the toilet. He recovered enough to operate the flight back but the rest of the crew had a nice relaxing weekend away without him”
Our lovely ground crew often bear the brunt of passengers frustrations way before we get to endure them. They ensure that everything on the ground runs smoothly and have just as many ways as us of dealing with nightmare passengers.
“When I was a Check-in Service Agent (CSA) I would put ‘SSS’ on people’s boarding passes if they were rude or nasty. The SSS meant extra security screening!”
“Loved giving rude passengers the seats at the very back of the plane or the dreaded middle seats and then put screaming kids in the seats around them. Used to make my day”
“Making obnoxious late passengers wait all day until the last flight out to get away on standby”
“Splitting up the seats of rude couples at check in so they were seated at opposite ends of the aircraft”
“I once let down a bag without a bag-tag or name-tag, as they were bitching at check-in about the airline. I wonder if they had a nice safari in South Africa with no clean clothes?”
“Giving arse holes the seat just in front of the emergency exit, with less leg room and doesn’t recline, or giving them a window seat where there is not actually a window”
Do you have any of your own confessions to add? If so pop them in the comments section below.
Happy flying everyone.
© confessionsofatrolleydolly.com by Dan Air