When I began my cabin crew training many years ago, my fellow budding Trolley Dollies and I were told that when travelling, our beloved passengers ALWAYS leave their brains at home and to ALWAYS expect the unexpected.
Well those crew trainers were not wrong. Over the years i’ve had passengers ask me if there are runways in the ocean “Just incase we have to crash when flying over the sea”. I’ve had people ask where the ‘safe room’ is on the aircraft, because “Cabin crew always survive plane crashes”. Or the time when a gentleman asked me if I could ask the pilot to fly lower as his wife was scared of heights!
I asked my lovely social media followers and airline colleagues about some of the weird and wonderful things they’ve seen and heard during their aviation careers. Some of the responses I received were quite unbelievable.
The following stories are all true because well, quite frankly, you couldn’t make this shit up!
A customer was walking from Y class to business to use the toilet. I stopped him and said that he couldn’t come in to this cabin and he needed to use the one in economy, to which he replied, without missing a beat “Shit does not have a class sister!”
Passenger: “Can I have a hot chocolate please?”
Me: “I’m sorry sir but I can’t pour any hot drinks at the moment due to the turbulence”
Passenger: “Oh ok….I’ll have a cup of tea then?”
I once had a letter in my pigeon-hole asking me about a particular flight i’d been on some months earlier and if I remembered anything different or unusual about it. The letter was from a passenger who had written in to complain that the pilot was flying too low on landing!
After the safety demo a passenger stopped me to ask if it was ok to use a nicotine patch whilst onboard. “Sure” I replied, “as long as you don’t roll it up and smoke it!”
“Excuse me, what’s the time in the plane now?”
Deadly serious whilst cruising somewhere over Europe, “Is there a window open? It’s freezing on this plane?”
I once had an elderly lady who got ready to disembark, right over the Atlantic Ocean. I went and told her that we still had about four hours before we arrived at our destination and she answered, “You don’t understand dear. I want to be first at the baggage claim”
After a particularly bumpy arrival a man told me that I wasn’t very good at landing the plane. “Erm yeah? I must have some pretty good superpowers to land the plane from the cabin”, I replied.
Passenger: “I want some low-calorie water. I want artificial sugar with my latte. Where is the celery stick for my Bloody Mary? Can you turn those engines off, they are far too loud”
All within at two-hour flight.
Me: “Fuck Off!”
One man asked me for a sanitary towel just because it was free. Upon receiving said towel he proceeded to peel the paper backing off and expose the sticky side. He then stuck the thing over his eyes and promptly fell asleep.
A man once asked me if he could join the half-mile high club and masturbate, even though the seatbelt sign was still on. No sir. You certainly can’t do that and not just because the seat belt sign is on.
On descent in to London Gatwick, “Excuse me stewardess can you please call me a taxi?”
“Certainly madam. You’re a taxi”.
A passenger once asked “What happens if the plane crashes?” So I simply whispered in his ear “We all die”. Wrong I know, but it made me smile.
Passenger: “So do you guys take this flight straight back again now?”
……after a 17 hour flight
Me: “Sorry, are you serious?” I couldn’t stop myself.
Passenger: “Well I know that there is a flight back home two hours after we land?”
Me: “Yes sir, taken by a crew who arrived two days ago and have had a damn good sleep”
I had a lady have a go at me because her oxygen wasn’t turned on and she was suffering the effects of lack of oxygen….She was pointing at her air vent!
This one left me speechless. A woman once came to us and said she was a breast-feeding mother who had left her baby at home. However her breasts now really hurt, so could we please ask the mother in the first row if she could feed her child to get rid of some of the milk.
A passenger asked me if we had any crystal meth as she had blocked sinuses! I think (I hope) she meant menthol crystals.
During the inflight service we ran out of tea. A very irate passenger turned to me and said “Well will you be getting any more before we land?” Sorry, no, not at 38,000 feet!
A gentleman complained of a headache on a Milan flight and asked what the dull whirring sound was. When I told him it was the engines he replied, “Tell the captain to turn them off because my head is really sore”. He went on to threaten making an official complaint “as our terms and conditions did not state how loud the engines were during the flight”.
“How often do you see UFO’s?”
A man once said he needed some fresh air and proceeded to open the emergency exit before take off. Aren’t ‘capable’ people meant to sit in the emergency exit row?
I had a passenger who thought we were standing still because he had seen the same lake for the past 4 hours. Turns out that ‘lake’ was the Atlantic Ocean.
A few years ago, I had a woman ask me if I could give her an enema. I told her that unfortunately we didn’t have any on board. She replied “Oh that’s okay, i’ve brought my own”. Only now I realised she wanted ME to give her the enema. No. No, I don’t think so.
During cabin secure, a passenger pointed out of the window and asked “What are they growing in those fields?”
I once had a woman tell me she hated flying because at that altitude, she could feel the spirits of people who had just died pass through her on their way up to heaven.
I hate when people ask why the wi-fi isn’t working, midway across the North Pole.
We arrived on to stand and there was a short delay as we waited for a knock to open the door. A passenger thinking he was a comedian said “Ey, who’s got the key?”. Quick as a flash and patting my pocket I replied, “Oh nooooo….I must have left it in Luton”
A female passenger asked if she was allowed her husband’s duty-free allowance. We later found out that her husband had died and was being brought home in the hold.
Boarding a flight to Alicante I made a PA to say could passengers seated in rows 1 to 10 please board at the front of the aircraft and those seated in rows 11 to 21 please board at the back to which a passenger replied “Well which half of the plane goes to Alicante?” I just gave them the look to say ‘did you REALLY just ask me that?
While doing the drinks service, I came to the aft galley to get a refill for the hot water and found a passenger changing her infant daughter on the double crew seat. I had already told the lady that she could change the nappy in the left toilet. So I asked “Excuse me madam, but what are you doing?”. “Oh” replied the woman, “I just didn’t know how to open the door and I didn’t want to bother you. You were so far away”. So far away….. on a Boeing 737. I was just speechless, but managed to find the words to tell her to clean her mess up while passing her the soap and tissues.
“Excuse me has my morning paper arrived yet?”
A passenger asked me to heat up his coffee in our microwave, I replied “Certainly sir. You can do it yourself. The microwave is over there right between the blender and the toaster”. He wasn’t amused.
“Are we arriving in Arrivals or departures?”
Had a lovely passenger trying to barge the cockpit door down thinking it was the toilet door on an Airbus A320. This was in my first week on the job.
One man onboard a Ryanair flight asked if it was possible to book a massage during the journey, “Just one second sir i’ll grab the oils and dim the cabin lights”
After a 10 hour flight: “Are you flying straight back?”. After a 1 hour flight: “Do you get to spend a few days here?”
Flying from the UK to Italy, we were flying over Paris when a woman asked me if I could ask the captain to fly at a lower altitude so she could have a closer look!
Passenger: “Where are we at the moment?” While pointing out of the window.
Me: “In the air madam, we’re in the air” Cue sarcastic cabin crew smile, turn and walk away.
“Can I have a pot or container, my daughter needs the bathroom?”
Flying from Hawaii to Los Angeles a passenger asks “Excuse me miss, what state are we flying over right now?”
I remember a passenger en-route to Manchester, changing her sanitary towel while still sat at her seat while other passengers looked on stunned. She had no shame or dignity. She then proceeded to hand over the used one to the crew as if it were an empty crisp packet.
A passenger once asked me to open the window for him as he needed to spit outside. The same passenger later asked one of my colleagues to open the exit as he needed to pee outside.
I had a passenger ask me if I could find her shoes. I looked everywhere through the cabin, just in case they had slipped back after takeoff. Turns out she wasn’t wearing any shoes when she boarded. She had walked out to the aircraft, across the concrete in her bare feet and didn’t notice she’d left them in the departure lounge. How?
The flight was almost empty so everyone had a whole row to themselves. Suddenly there is a smell of smoke in the cabin. Turns out a drunk passenger was lying down trying to smoke, covering himself with a pile of blankets he’d taken from the empty seats to try to mask the smell of smoke. When he was discovered he tried to stub the cigarette out on the floor.
During my time working for Caledonian I was asked if I wore anything under my kilt on numerous occasions by drunken passengers thinking they were funny. (Caledonians uniform was tartan).
My colleague was asked to help fish out a passengers spectacles that the lady had managed to drop down the loo.
Shortly after take off from MAN “Excuse me steward, I’ve left my wallet and phone in the airport bar. Can we turn around?”
I was asked by a passenger if he would receive compensation due to the fact that we had another passenger onboard suffering with a severe nut allergy and now he wouldn’t be able to purchase a bag of peanuts for his flight. Certainly sir, and we’ll also be compensating all the other passengers on the plane for having to share their flight with an in-considerate nut job like you.
During a rather bumpy flight an old lady asked me if I could arrange for a wheel chair to meet the aircraft on landing as she didn’t think she could manage the steps in this turbulence.
I had someone ask me if I could point out the international date line when we flew across it. I told them to keep a look out for the red line, just like on the maps.
Passenger: “Can you please help me to get my blanket from inside my luggage i’m freezing cold?”
Me: While opening the overhead compartment. “Which one is your luggage here?”
Passenger: “Oh I checked in my baggage in at the counter”
Me: “I’m sorry ma’am but your luggage is inside the aircraft hold if you checked in it?”
Passenger: “Yes, yes I know that but can you please help me to get it?”
Me: “Seriously???” As I walked away.
A passenger once gave me money to use the lavatory and asked if we sold condoms in there. It’s not your local pub!
An American lady asked me if the chef could bake a birthday cake for her grand son. I replied “Sure madam, what flavour would you like?”. I walked away thinking ‘gee…only in America’. However, as this was Emirates we had it all onboard, so I rocked up a little later with a cake from first class, some toys and I even took a picture of the little brat with the onboard Polaroid camera.
“Could you put my child’s wet clothes in to your washing machine and dry them before we arrive please?”
Cruising at 36,000 feet and a lady asked me if she was allowed to send a message to her daughter, just to let her know that her flight arrived a bit earlier, or would it be too dangerous for the plane when her smart phone is not on flight mode. I told her that sadly her phone wouldn’t work at this altitude but she didn’t believe me.
We were fully boarded and while being de-iced and waiting for the runway to be cleared of snow A passenger turned to me and said “YOU knew it was going to snow three days ago, why didn’t YOU do anything about it then?” Needless to say I was totally speechless.
“Excuse me stewardess my friend is scared of flying so can she bring her own parachute?”
“Miss could you open the door? There simply isn’t enough oxygen onboard for me” Strangely there was plenty for the other 131 and i’d like to know how she expected us to do that at 39,000 feet.
A passenger asked me mid-flight if we could make the plane stop moving?
We had to do a go-around coming in to Tenerife (TFS). I was sitting in the cabin of an Airbus A321 facing a passenger and during our second approach he turned and said “Well at least my luggage will already be at the airport when we land”. No sir, no it won’t.
“Do you have any glue remover? It’s just i’ve glued my finger to my eye applying these fake eyelashes because of this bumpy flight”
Whilst boarding a flight to Mexico, I had a passenger get on carrying a 20″ colour television, not a flat screen, the old tube type. I stopped him and said “Sorry sir it won’t fit into the overhead locker”. He replied “Well It did on my last two flights”. Who the hell carries out at 20” TV? Way to go Gate Agents.
“My Inflight Entertainment isn’t working…..Can you fix it for me?” Trying everything I could to work out what was wrong I finally realised the man had turned it off.
A passenger wanted to change her clothes, “Excuse me, but where is the fitting room?”
Passenger: “Excuse me, I ordered a coke just now and nobody came to serve me?”
Me: “Sorry about that. Who did you order your drink from sir?”
Passenger: “Well I ordered through this microphone here” Pointing at his business class seat reading light
I saw a very VERY soiled extra-large size Tena Man, discarded on the floor of one of the economy lavatories with no attempt what so ever made to dispose of it.
On decent for landing our passengers have to turn off all electronic devices. Going through the cabin to do a check I saw a lady with her cell phone switched on. “I’m sorry ma’am you will need to switch off your cell phone now”. Looking puzzled she replied “Well I just need to make an important phone call” This was after a 3 hour flight, what was so important? Erm no. Switch it off!
A passenger once asked one of our cabin managers if she could sit by the window so that she could open it during the flight for a bit of fresh air.
I once had a passenger come up to me and ask where baggage claim was. I turned around and saw a MASSIVE sign that said ‘Baggage Claim —>’. I looked at him and said “Erm, the MASSIVE sign in front of you says that way sir”. I thought it was kind of funny, even though he didn’t.
And people wonder why I drink!
If you have any more crazy stories to add then please pop them in the comments below.
© confessionsofatrolleydolly.com by Dan Air