Is it really that time again?
I hate early starts.
But for some reason on lockdown I’ve been awake at this time EVERY. BLOODY. DAY.
I manage to drift back off and dream about endless calls bells, irritating passengers, baggage issues, broken bar carts and over familiar pilots.
God I’d give anything to have a row with a passenger or to be touched up by a Captain right now. Sorry First Officers, you might be cute but I don’t do two-stripes.
I drag myself out of bed and begin to ready myself for the day.
I NEED COFFEE!
It’s a busy duty today as I will be operating multiple sectors between Bedroom (MBR) – Bathroom (BTH) – Kitchen (KTC) – Living Room (LVG) – Bathroom (BTH) – Kitchen (KTC) – Garden (GDN) (if we can get in as it is often subject to poor weather conditions) – Bathroom (BTH) – Kitchen (KTC) – Living Room (LVG) and finally back to Bedroom (MBR).
Cabin crew always have two sets of uniform. The skinny one for when we’re feeling fabulous and the fat one for times like these when my fridge see’s more of me than my own family.
I did try my uniform on today. Thankfully my name badge still fits so that’s a bonus!
I pop on my lockdown uniform instead which consists of joggers and a t-shirt. The polyester can stay in the wardrobe, for now.
I do however shave my overgrown beard and coif my rapidly growing hair. I always like to look my best.
Time for todays inflight briefing.
I pour myself a my first (of many) wines and check through my notices to crew which now come from Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.
I also check my emails with dread, to see if there’s been another useless update from my airline. Nothing so far surprise, surprise. No news at the moment is definitely good news.
Working with me today are Henry Hoover, Carol Cactus and Barry Balloon. Barry and Cathy don’t really get on as Cathy can be quite prickly and if they get too close it can be quite explosive.
Today we discuss service standards and answer a series of SEP and First Aid questions.
We discuss staying at home, staying safe and protecting the NHS; as well as how I would evacuate the house in the event of another blazing row with my other half.
We then carry out those all important security checks. I wander round the house making sure there are no hidden packages, paying extra attention to the wheelie bins to check for any stray parcels from Amazon, Hermes or Yodel and that the house looks presentable, ready for our guests.
Boarding is slightly delayed as we receive our on-line catering delivery. We had been given an estimated delivery time of between 7:30 and 19:30 local, but as the supplies arrived early it does not disrupt todays duty.
The order has to then be fully checked by our galley lead to make sure that we are fully stocked with all the wine, beer, gin and mixers requested, before putting it all away.
My first (and only) passenger boards and I greet them at the door.
“Good morning. Welcome on board!”
Just like being on board, all I get in response is a weird look and a grunt.
Their seat today is the sofa. This is the most exclusive part of the living room, which has full aisle access, a 75” inflight entertainment screen with access to Sky, Netflix, Amazon Prime, This Morning, Loose Women, Coronation Street, Eastenders and re-runs of Air Crash Investigation. It also offers the passenger the chance to recline in to a fully lie-flat sofa bed.
This particular sofa is due for an upgrade soon as part of our cabin interior retro-fit, once our furlough and zero percent finance has come to an end.
Once on board and seated comfortably it’s time to arm and cross check the front and back doors. Barry is only too aware of the dangers of blowing a slide, after suffering his own inadvertent inflations in the past.
We then carry out the all important safety demo. I have to stop it half way through to scold our passenger for talking just as I’m about to point out the nearest exits which are located – 1 at the rear, two window exits at each end of the property and 1 door at the front.
Back in the galley, kitchen, I then prepare pre-departure drinks…. for me, and take my seat ready for take off.
Sipping my second glass of wine, I run through my silent review, pondering how I would open the fridge door in a snack related emergency.
After take-off I prize my ever expanding arse from my seat and begin to prepare for our first service.
Suddenly the telephone rings.
“Hi there it’s me at doors….” before I realise it’s just mother checking up on me again.
We’ve reached our cruising altitude and begin the breakfast run. Usually this consists of tea and toast, but today we’re in for a treat as Tesco’s brought us all the essentials for a full English breakfast.
Barry is helping me, but as he’s always so full of hot air tensions between us are running high.
Before we start the service I pour another wine and check that the aisles are clear. Good job I do as someone has decided that now would be a good time to do Joe Wicks’ P.E. class.
I explain that the galley, kitchen is not the place to be doing yogas stretches, star jumps or running on the spot.
Breakfast done I grab a quick break sat next to the bathroom. I’ve sent Henry Hoover out to do a clear in as he was just sat round collecting dust.
As per usual our passenger, struggles to open the lavatory door.
They want to use our on board shower facilities, but I inform them I’m just about to carry out a bathroom check and unfortunately they’ll have to wait.
The passenger seems annoyed so to diffuse the situation I offer a hot towel in the form of a Dettol anti-bacterial wipe I’ve popped in the microwave. They decline.
I pour another wine and sit back down when suddenly a call bell goes off *eye roll.
I go to see what the problem is. Turns out it’s the postman who tells me they’ve got a package for next door. “Well you’ve got the wrong house then” I reply and shut the door.
Time for our lunch service, which today is Baked Beans on toast.
The passenger complains,
“This is an aircraft, not a Michelin starred restaurant, you’ll get what you’re given bitch.”
Once the service is complete I manage to grab a quick snack and open my second, or is it third bottle of wine.
Between home-schooling, eating, baking, eating, watching and filming ‘Don’t Rush’ and other Tik Tok videos, eating, having various ‘Houseparties’ or Zoom meetings and eating, I just haven’t had a minute.
I do get some strange looks from people out for their daily exercise, as I huddle awkwardly behind the living room curtain, sipping my Tomato and Basil slim-a-soup, a share size bag of Doritos and yet another slice of banana bread.
After our delicious evening meal I send Henry out with the Duty Free trolley. He sucks at his job but usually cleans up when it comes to commission.
We will soon be landing so I wander through the living room making sure everyone has popped their seatbelts on, popped their seats in the upright position, popped open the window blinds and popped away laptops…. Oh god now Barry’s just popped!
I get a very angry response when I switch off the TV halfway through Tiger King. I explain that I am just doing my job and the bad attitude needs to stop.
I have a feeling that tomorrow’s flight may have one less passenger as I contemplate channeling Carole Baskin and (allegedly) feeding him to our cats.
I pour another wine.
“Ladies and gentleman, finally it’s the end of yet another day. If you’d like to set your watches it’s the god knows what day of lockdown. We hope you enjoyed your flight with us today, if not please tell someone who gives a shit.”
My disgruntled passenger storms off to bed, telling me he’ll never fly with us again.
“See you in the morning.”
I pour myself a well deserved landing drink and head up to crew rest.
As I take a sip I realise how hard it is dealing with one passenger, let alone hundreds of the f*ckers.
But you know what, I can’t wait until that day comes again.
N.B. We apologise in advance if any of the jokes here didn’t land or went over your head.
© confessionsofatrolleydolly.com by Dan Air.