In the first of our tongue-in-cheek ‘How Not To’ series we take a look at ‘How Not To…. Piss Off Your Cabin Crew’ basically how to be a decent human being and the perfect passenger when you’re onboard our aircraft.
Yes, yes we’ve heard it all before we’re just glorified waiters/waitresses in the sky, you pay our wages etc etc. But the fact of the matter is we are there to save your arse not kiss it and so, with these handy hints we can make each others lives that little bit easier every time you step onboard an aircraft.
First up, and in my opinion the most important thing you can do on ANY flight is….
LISTEN TO THE SAFETY DEMO….
Despite some crew members believing this is their time to shine and putting on a cringeworthy comedy routine, many of us are not big fans of having to stand there in the middle of you all looking like idiots, waving our arms about while pointing out your nearest exits, showing grown adults how to fasten a seatbelt, telling you how to wear a mask… we’ve been telling you to place it over your nose and mouth for years, all whilst messing up our perfectly coiffed hair putting on a life jacket. We do it for your benefit, we are literally just doing our job!
Oh you’d rather flick through your social media? Fair enough if you’re looking at Confessions of a Trolley Dolly of course, but good luck finding your lifejacket and nearest exit when we ditch in to the Atlantic.
CALL BELLS SHOULD BE SEEN AND NOT HEARD….
Call bells are for emergencies only. If you press it and you’re not having a heart attack and the wing isn’t on fire, then you’re going to have to have a damn good reason why your finger connected with it in the first place.
Also it’s not a toy, so if your child keeps pressing it we will be popping the little cherub into the overhead locker for the remainder of the flight.
Please remember that your reading light can be turned on by pressing the button marked with a light bulb….
Pressing the crew call bell will NOT turn on your cabin crew.
DON’T TOUCH US….
This is not, I repeat NOT a petting zoo. Poking me, prodding me, or pulling on my polyester is NOT the way to get my attention.
And never, EVER click your fingers at me…. FYI, it would take more than two fingers to make me come!
MANNERS, COURTESY AND COMMON SENSE GO A LONG WAY….
I was always taught that manners don’t cost a thing, clearly some members of the public think they do and must be trying to save their pennies because the words ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’ seem to be disappearing from many peoples vocabulary.
Please take your headphones out when we ask if you’d like anything from the trolley, I will not be repeating myself. Ignore me once, shame on you. Ignore me twice and you’ll be going hungry for the rest of the flight.
And while we’re on the subject of the trolley, please don’t take your frustrations out on your crew if we haven’t got your first choice of meal, or drink, or sandwich etc. You’re on an aircraft, not seated at a Michelin starred restaurant FFS.
Oh and by the way, having no ice left for your G&T really is not the end of the world.
Indeed, getting upset and angry with us in general is a massive no no. We agree it’s rubbish that your flights been cancelled, that you’ve missed your connection, that the flights delayed. Believe us when we say we’re just as pissed off as you are. I’d much rather be at home too, but instead I’m stuck here listening to you shout at me….Oh and please don’t end your argument with “I know it’s not your fault!”
Don’t use the line ‘What do you have?’ It’s literally one of our BIGGEST pet peeves. We make endless announcements regarding the food and drinks we have onboard, especially if you’re flying low-cost. We have so many options for you to chose from, but we also have another 200+ people to serve – HURRY UP!
‘Milk and sugar for your coffee?’ ‘No thank you’….two seconds later….”Excuse me can I have some milk please?” – AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!
We would also REALLY appreciate it if you could leave your seating area in a similar state to the way you found it – not, I repeat NOT full of used nappies, newspapers, torn up inflight magazines, used cups, pillows, blankets and your meal all over the floor and up the cabin walls. Why should anyone, no matter how much they get paid, have to clean up after you?
Speaking of rubbish, please don’t try and hand it to me when I already have my hands full, or when we’re out with the meal or drinks trolley. I could tell you exactly where I’d like YOU to put your rubbish, but where exactly do you want me to put it?
Also, don’t expect us to have all the information you may want us to have. Half the time we know less than you do. I don’t know why the weather at your destination is so bad and we can’t get in but your friends flight can. I don’t know why we have landed early and whether your taxi will be waiting for you. I don’t know how long the slot delay is going to be…..
DON’T BE DISGUSTING…
Don’t walk about without your shoes or even worse without your shoes AND socks on! You wouldn’t walk about in Tesco’s barefoot?
And for the love of God STOP putting your feet on the bulkheads or cabin walls. – I wouldn’t come to your office and put my feet all over your desk now would I?
Don’t start doing onboard pedicures! I’ve lost count at the amount of passengers I’ve seen clipping their toe nails, pumicing their dry skin or moisturising their cracked heels. STOP!
STAY OUT OF OUR GALLEY….
The galley is for crew use only. It is not, I repeat NOT a child’s playground, your personal stretching space or somewhere you should linger for longer than a minute whilst waiting for the loo.
Please don’t oggle us whilst we’re eating our dinner. Yes it is lovely and no you can’t have any.
STAY IN YOUR SEAT AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE…
It’s our job to feed and water you. Keep your arms and legs out of the aisle, stay sat down and please control your kids. Free amputations are available for passengers daft enough to leave any protruding limbs. Remember, you paid for a seat, not the aisle.
WE’RE PARTIAL TO A BIT OF BRIBERY…
I mean who doesn’t like a little gift every now and again. I’m not talking an expensive piece of jewellery or a designer outfit (although if you’re offering). No a little box of chocolates or sweets to share out amongst the crew goes down a treat. We LOVE a Toblerone from duty free or an overpriced share bag of sweets from WHSmiths in the terminal or if you’re feeling particularly generous a little gift card from one of the many coffee shops or eateries in the terminal would be LOVELY!
Stay tuned for further instalments of our ‘How Not To….’ series coming soon!
© confessionsofatrolleydolly.com by Dan Air.