“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, a very warm welcome on board this international flight shortly departing for glitz, glamour and a peek behind that galley curtain; as we reveal what life is really like for your international trolley dollies at 35,000 feet.
We now ask that you give us a few moments of your time, while we take you through the safety features of this state-of-the-art jet.
A safety card is in your seat pocket. What use a piece of laminated card will be if our aircraft ploughs into a mountain is a mystery to me, but please take a quick look at the pretty pictures.
The exits are located here, here and here. They’re still open, so if you don’t like what you’ve seen so far I suggest you leave now.
Your seat-belt is used as demonstrated. If you don’t know how to fasten a seat-belt you probably shouldn’t be allowed out on your own.
If there is a drop in cabin pressure, masks will drop from above you. Grab a mask and pull it towards you. Then insert your credit card into the slot provided. This will start the oxygen supply. Place your own mask on before helping others. If you are travelling with two or more children, decide now which one you love most.
All passengers are provided with a complimentary life-jacket, should our flight become a cruise. Simply pop it over your head, pass the straps around your waist and tie in a double bow. It is also fitted with a light to attract the attention of passing sailors. We will pass through the cabin, handing out babies for the lifecots.
Please now ensure that your seat-belt is securely fastened. Your tray table stowed. Seat back up-right and that your luggage is safely stowed away. Smoking is only permitted in the smoking section which can be located on each wing. If you can light it, you can smoke it.
Please be advised that we operate a very strict NO policy onboard all of our flights.
Finally, ladies and gentleman, the cabin lights will shortly be dimmed for our departure, this is to improve the appearance of your cabin crew.
Thank you for listening to our safety briefing. For those of you that didn’t……good luck!
We would like to wish you a very pleasant flight today with confessionsofatrolleydolly.com”
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