The Oxford English dictionary defines the word ‘Etiquette’ as…
“The customary code of polite behaviour in society or among members of a particular profession or group”.
Sadly these days, many people seem to have completely forgotten ‘the customary code of polite behaviour in society’ and more specifically onboard our aircraft.
Detailing acceptable and unacceptable behaviour onboard our aircraft the A to Z of Aeroplane ‘Jetiquette’ should be studied just as closely as your safety card.
So please take a few moments to read through the list, it could well be a useful tool in your survival onboard.
On behalf of cabin crew everywhere, we wish you a very pleasant flight.
A is for Aisle
You’ve paid for your seat, not this incredibly narrow part of the cabin, up and down which we have to push trollies, mince/strut backwards and forwards to the galley all whilst attempting to look busy.
I have a beverage cart and I am not afraid to use it! So be warned you may lose arms and/or legs, if a stray limb remains while I’m out with the service.
Please also note, the aisle is NOT a children’s play area nor is it an acceptable stowage for your hand luggage.
B is for Baggage
Ah yes baggage. The bane of all air crews lives. Honestly, a day where we don’t have any issues with hand luggage is like…. Well never mind, I’ll let you know if it ever happens.
Don’t bring too much of it with you. That locker space above your head isn’t solely for your oversized trolley, which I’m pretty sure is WAY above our cabin limits.
AND please do not expect me to be lifting it for you. The only heavy lifting I’m trained to do is a wine glass from the table to my mouth.
Will you be paying my wages while i’m off sick with a bad back or hernia? No? Well neither will my airline.
If you can’t hack it, don’t pack it. I touch it, I tag it. You pack it, you stack it. Get the gist?
C is for Call Bell
Press it ONLY if there is a REAL emergency and by real emergency I’m talking raging inferno, the engine and/or wing has fallen off, that kind of thing.
It should not be pressed if you want another beer to go with the four we’ve just served you literally five minutes ago.
Or if you want me to take your rubbish, right after we’ve just done a clear-in.
Or if you want me to tell the passenger in front to stop reclining their seat.
Or if you want to ask what time were landing.
D is for Disembarking
To those of you who stand up before the seatbelt sign has been switched off, while we admire your eagerness to get off the aircraft please sit the f*ck back down – you’re not going anywhere any quicker.
When we do come to a complete and final stop and the Captain switches off the seatbelt sign then you are free to get up and, with as little faffing as possible, get your shit together and get off my aircraft. We have places to be as well you know and I think we’ve all tolerated each other for long enough.
Don’t forget to take everything with you. Leave anything onboard, especially after we’ve reminded you a million times to take all your personal belongings and you’ll be buying it back off eBay a week later.
Good-bye and thank you for flying with us today.
And no you can’t go in the cockpit and meet the pilots.
E is for Earphones
FFS please just have the courtesy of taking them out when we are asking if you’d like anything from the trolley.
This is a one time offer and I will not be repeating myself.
F is for ‘Fingering The Air Hostess’
And by that we mean you should not touch, poke or prod, pull my uniform or click your fingers to get my attention. This is NOT a petting zoo.
All you have to do is utter two simple words…. ‘Excuse me’.
How would you like it if I poked or prodded you to get your attention? Clicked my fingers at you when I ask if you would like a drink? Or worst still, pulled on your jacket to see if you want beef or chicken? Oh you wouldn’t like it? Well neither do we.
G is for Galley
This is our space. Our rest area, where we try to grab some peace from our passengers.
Where we sit down to grab something to eat next to bags of rubbish and germ ridden toilets. Where we discuss the latest goings on with our airlines Galley FM gossip. Where we discuss break ups and break downs.
Sex, laughter, tears and tantrums as the old saying goes – ‘What happens in the galley, stays in the galley’.
Therefore if the curtain is closed take this as a sign – FUCK OFF!
H is for Hand Washing
One of the things that has baffled me about the whole Coronavirus pandemic, is that so many people seem to see hand washing as a new thing? I mean seriously?
Thankfully now there literally is NO EXCUSE!
Just remember “Happy birthday to you….” You know the rest.
I is for Illness
More important now than ever before!
If you do have to travel when you’re poorly then FFS keep away from us.
Wash your hands (see above), use a tissue, cover your mouth and drink plenty of fluids to prevent dehydration.
DO NOT hand me a snotty tissue or leave it in the seat pocket. Throw it in the bin or flush it.
We come in to contact with hundreds of the great unwashed every day, all carrying their own array of germs and bugs.
For a new starter in the aviation world, being ill becomes a fact of life and in our cut-throat industry, management are often less than sympathetic during cabin crews probation period.
J is for Jet Lag
Never cross a tired or jet-lagged dolly!
There are numerous ways passengers can combat its effects. But for your hard-working crew who are potentially on minimum rest, working their asses off to please and serve you, whilst (probably) suffering with the hang-over from hell after last nights partying, the effects can really take their toll.
You can read more about how to combat the effects of jet lag here.
K is for KEEP YOUR STINKING FEET OFF THE BULKHEADS/TRAY TABLES/SEAT-BACKS/SLIDE BUSTLES
I’ve literally lost count of the amount of people I’ve had to tell to take their feet off some surface or another on the aircraft; or to put their shoes back on because their feet STINK!
Why do people do it?
I understand it maybe more comfortable, but no one wants to see your hairy toes, disgusting nails, discoloured socks, or have to endure the stench coming from your size 10’s.
Feet should be kept firmly on the floor, preferably in suitable footwear.
And while we’re on the subject of suitable footwear – DO NOT walk around bare-foot.
Aircraft floors and carpets are disgusting and literally a breeding ground for all kinds of germs and diseases.
And please, PLEASE for your own safety NEVER, I repeat NEVER, go into an aircraft toilet bare-foot. That’s not water swishing about on the floor.
L is for Lavatory
Clearly, the most confusing thing EVER onboard an aircraft.
“Is there anyone in there?”, NO! It says vacant sir, much like the look in your eyes.
“How does the door open?”, Much the same as any other door madam.
There’s the frequent dilemma of not knowing how to use the flush. The big button marked ‘FLUSH’ is a slight give away.
Many struggle with how to wash their hands, or where the bin is located.
M is for Masks
An element of the coronavirus pandemic that has divided the world…. Face masks.
Look, none of us like wearing them. But currently if you want to fly, then you’re going to have to wear a face mask.
And when I say wear a mask, we mean over your mouth AND NOSE, you know like we’ve been telling you for years in that safety demonstration none of you listen to.
N is for Nappies
One of my absolute pet hates!
Parents, DO NOT change your child on the seat!
I don’t care how big the queue is for the toilet, ask one of the crew members if they can let you jump the line.
Not only does it stink out the cabin, it’s absolutely disgusting as some unsuspecting passenger will have to sit there after you.
Use the designated changing facilities in the toilets, it’s so much easier.
Then dispose of the nappy in the bin. I repeat DISPOSE OF THE NAPPY IN THE BIN.
DO NOT leave it in the seat pocket and PLEASE do not hand it to me when I’m collecting rubbish or even worse eating in the galley.
O is for Offensive Odours
I mean there really is no smell like Eau De Boeing or Airbus Aroma.
Smelly feet, BO, stale farts and jet-fuel all combined to make a truly unforgettable aroma.
We all sweat, I understand that and what with the rush and stress of the airport, it’s only natural you might get a little under-arm odour. So come prepared. Bring yourself a little freshen up kit, pop to the loo and do just that, freshen the f@*k up.
If a passenger boards smelling of stale BO, like they haven’t washed themselves or their clothes for weeks, we may be forced to off load you.
There really is no excuse for poor personal hygiene, especially not in a confined space like an aircraft.
P is for Public Announcements (PA)
When I’m speaking, you shouldn’t be, simple!
Q is for Queuing
If you’re travelling anywhere these days you’re going to have to get used to queuing…. A few months ago we were all doing it to buy toilet rolls and pasta. So queuing to hopefully go on a nice holiday shouldn’t be a problem?
We understand that flying these days is a stressful experience. No one understands this more than your crew who do it on a daily basis.
But a little patience will go a long way. Getting frustrated is not going to help and neither will screaming at me.
Please be warned that if you do scream at me or one of my colleagues, you’re going to need a lot more patience as you wait for the next flight because believe me, i’ll have already thrown you off this one.
R is for Reading Light
It’s the button marked with a light bulb. Pressing this will turn on your reading light. The other button is the cabin crew call bell. Pressing this will NOT turn on your cabin crew!
S is for ‘Squeezing Past’
NEVER attempt to ‘squeeze past’ the trolley unless invited to do so by the crew.
And please don’t stand right behind us if you do feel brave enough to try and get past. Despite my many talents, having eyes in the back of my head isn’t one of them. So don’t blame me if I turn round to go to the galley and send you flying.
While were on the subject – the trolley…
Keep out of its way. Don’t touch it and Don’t try to place your rubbish on top of it.
T is also for Tray Tables
Yes, the cause of many an argument between grown adults and a nightmare for any passenger sat in front of a darling child that thinks it’s a toy.
Please use your common sense and be courteous towards the passenger in front.
U is for your Undivided Attention
Believe it or not, we’re not waving our arms around and messing up our perfectly coiffed hair, trying to put on the life jacket for the fun of it.
Yes, I know you’re a frequent flyer.
Yes, I know you’ve seen it a million times before, but it literally takes just a few minutes out of your very busy schedule.
U is also for Understanding
Understand that your cabin crew aren’t just there to serve you tea and coffee and tend to your every whim. We’re people too.
Please at least try to treat us with a little respect.
V is for Vomit
Please use a sick bag, or go to the toilet. I know it’s not pleasant being poorly locked in a metal tube, bouncing and swaying around at 39,000 feet, but please try your hardest not to get it all over the floor, or up the walls, or on the person sat next to or in front of you.
And please don’t expect any sympathy from us if your vomiting is self-inflicted.
W is for ‘What have you got?‘
One of the biggest pet-hates for all cabin crew.
‘I tell you what I haven’t got and that’s all f*cking day’
For more some other things you should NEVER say to your cabin crew click here.
X is for X-rated Activities
The mile-high club.
If you’re going to do it then, for gods sake be discreet about it. We’re fully aware of what’s going on underneath your see-through blanket or in the toilets.
Y is for Yes (and no) Answers
“Tea or coffee”, “Yes”. Well which one? “Milk or sugar?”, “no”. Then 5 seconds after you move the trolley. “Excuse me can I have some milk”.
“Beef or chicken sir?”, “yes”.
Z is for ‘ZZZZZZZ’
Sleeping. There are a few simple rules.
If you snore, we may wake you. No one likes to be sat next to someone who sounds like a freight train for the whole flight.
Once again, be courteous to those around you.
The person in the next seat does not want your head on their shoulder.
Please be careful of dribbling and for all the gentlemen onboard, please be mindful of your ‘morning glory’.
There we have it, the full run down of the ‘A-Z of Aeroplane ‘Jetiquette’. If you have anything you’d like to add then please feel free to post them on the comments card below, the crew will dispose of them as necessary.
© confessionsofatrolleydolly.com by Dan Air.